House Porn On Tour: House Training Marty Cortland

D Magazine columnist Marty Cortland has ventured into my territory a wee bit with his true confessions on on how home tours are even better than grazing at the computer over house porn. ‘Course, they cost a whole lot more but that $1500 check is almost always a complete tax deduction. (Did you receive any food or drink at the last charity home tour? I was too busy looking into every nook and cranny of the mansion.) In fact, there was a time in my volunteer years when I thought people built these big houses exclusively for charity, really, and each time I stumbled over a few dozen trucks clearing 5 Preston Hollow acres I’d find out who the owner was to hit them up for a party. In fact, I chaired a Home Tour last year for the Dallas County Medical Society Alliance. We raised major bucks by showcasing four stupendous Lakewood homes. Those homeowners are saints. They even let chefs in the kitchen to cook and hand out food samples. Not in my house — like Carrie in Sex & The City, I keep Prada in my Wolf range — who wants to mess up those pristine burners? (And yes, you leave a ring on my $$$ (husband earmuffs) cocktail table, it had better be five ct minimum or I’ll pay someone to break an arm!) At the end of the tour, my feet were killing me, we had dealt with slow buses, angry crowds, we had not expected the turn out but totally delighted in it. An elderly woman fell while buying tickets (there were many a doctor in the house) and an Alliance member tumbled on the bus. I walked through the master bath of one home, blowing out candles — didn’t want the place to burn up after we all left for cripes sake. I was so upset to see mud on the pristine white floor rugs. 1400 people in 4 homes? Chefs and food flying? No, those people are right up there with Mother Teresa in my book. So Marty, next time you go on one of those tours, take along a few Windex wipes to clean those windows after you and your wife get them all foggy!